Important Shit.: Hold on to your pants!

Because you may shit yourself right out of them when I slam this hotness in your face: Carnage USA. December. Gasm.

Clayton Crain has apparently held Marvel at gunpoint with his insane artwork (see: Venom v. Carnage, Carnage (2010), and Ghost Rider: Road to Damnation*) and insisted they let him and Zeb Wells (see: Venom: Dark Origins, ASM Presents: Anti-Venom – New Ways to Live, and the new Avenging Spider-Man) ball outta control on another Carnage installment:

(Drum-Roll, Please)

#1a	#1b	#2	#3

12/14/2011	[variant]	01/11/12	[tbd]

…rumor has it, if you click them – the awesomeness gets all bigger and stuff.

If you need a minute, I understand. It’s not everyday you see something so sexy, let alone FOUR somethings so sexy. And if you’re like me, you’re probably wondering to yourself “With a name like Carnage USA coming down the pipe after the intensive Spider Island saga…doesthismeanthatnoweveryone’saCARNAGE?!!”

But if you’re like me, that’s because you also read the 2010 5-issue Carnage series that now I’ll have to review/spoil in a separate post. In the mean time, for those of you that know what’s up and are looking to move on, you’re gonna wanna read/re-read this:

“Carnage’s attack on America is of national concern, so it’s all hands on deck,” promises Wells. “But it’s soon apparent that even the Avengers’ biggest guns are in over their heads, and it falls to a more specialized group to try and take Kasady down. All symbiotes on deck!”

WHAT?! Who are the symbi—ooohh shhiiitttt, my ninja! Venom’s a symbiote (will it be Brock or Thompson?). But then, here’s where having read the previous installment comes in super-dooper handy (despite what that article tries to tell you):

People with prosthetic limbs – symbiotes? I mean, after all – all those limbs are just pieces of the Carnage symbiote, and are still controlled by it.
Doc Tanis still has hers, and was last known to be seeking professional help. Which is what crazy people do. Could she now be full-on crazy? Which leads me to…

“…there will be fun nods to the first CARNAGE series and a character or two from that story might show up.” --good ‘Ol Zebby (same article)

I counted approximately 7 characters in that series: Iron Man, Spider-Man, Doppelganger, Shriek, Dr. Tanis/Scorn, Michael Hall, and – of course – Cletus Kasady/Carnage. Give or take some extras that are probably now all Carnage’d to death. 4 of those can’t not “show up,” and it’s a good bet that Hall will make it back to answer for basically killing a billion people via Kasady. So, “a character” would mean Tanis or Shriek and “or two” means both. Since therearen’tanymorecharacters.

So, then…basically – Kasady hoofs it out to Doverton, CO for some yet-to-be-invented reason…and wastes no time just awesoming all over the everywhere (arguable making his being anywhere for any point in time meaningless), and all our favorite heroes rush in to shit on his parade…only to find out, it’s a shit-parade and they’re now useless. Enter: Zeb Wells’ calling upon “all symbiotes.”

My guess: Hall’s lunacy has now put pieces of carnage all over the map. In people. The hive-mind will lead them together in a slaughter-fest, Tanis among them. Then, Venom (and possibly Spider-Man) will appeal to Tanis – or she was faking, since that’s what women do – and we’ll learn that all her work with the “professionals” will result in her unleashing some secret move or something. Also, it’s reasonable to assume her symbiote is stronger – since Cletus’ had to practically kill itself to keep him alive in orbit, and it’s a well-known science-fact that in symbiotology the offspring is stronger than it’s father (and is supposed to kill it, but last I checked Venom, Carnage and Toxin are all still ticking).

Bam. Shit just got theoried.

Unfortunately, we have 18 more suck-filled days of non-Carnage until we can start finding out. Marvel knows this. So, not all that long ago – they issued a press release saying “Dear faithful patrons of our fantasy-books, after years of throwing your hard-earned money at crap movies, crap characters like Hawkeye, and crap ‘Ultimate Universe’ ploys to pump your pockets til we hit lint…we want to just let you know that we appreciate it. In fact, your cries have not gone unheard. We want to thank you each, individually, by whoring out any of our attractive editors.” Well, not really – but the did offer up a SNEAK-PEAK OF THIS VERY COMIC SERIES!! And, I will show you these beauties, right after these dots…